Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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