this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
