Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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