i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize