You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
