The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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