Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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