I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
