you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
