Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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