I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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