I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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