I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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