I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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