i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
