Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
