i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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