I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
