Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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