i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
