you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
