seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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