I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
