I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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