I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
