WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Couch. On fire.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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