just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
