The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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