My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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