honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
