is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
