The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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