Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
