there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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