You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
