Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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