i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
