If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
