Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
