Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
