The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
