you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
