I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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