i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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