maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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