Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
