he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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