WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
