im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
