Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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