i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
we're making bets on your personal life
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
