she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
