It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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