fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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