my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
