btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I skipped work to stalk him.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
