got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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