i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
