You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize